Visited grandma on my dad’s side in hospital for knee surgery. It was just like Chinese New Year: intentionally going way after the actual surgery day to avoid relatives, and my mom bitching about family politics on the way to the hospital. Except we weren’t dressed in our best clothing.
TTSH has a four visitor per patient thing where everyone visiting has to sign in with their NRICs and then scan them at the lifts to enter. Which is awesome, because we didn’t have to stand awkwardly with the other relatives at the bedside.
At 76, she’s more than twice as old as my brother and I combined. She’d serious knee pain and couldn’t walk more than a few steps. It’s incredible that most relatives persuaded her not to get corrective surgery for fear of complications. I mean, it was severe leg/knee pain. Imagine not being able to walk.
Ah ma commented on how I looked pale and skinny, and that I should put on some weight. Yeah, I get it: 1, my (relatively) bony hands are inaccurately representing my actual weight, 2, I’m usually not out in the sun and 3, I’ve never been the poster child for glowing health anyway. It’s weird how they comment on my weight now rather than before when I was unhealthily overweight and said nothing.
My dad was acting weird, though. He kept babying his mother. And by that I mean feeding her and giving her drinks. Like a mother would her child. When the bread and jam arrived, he spread it for her and then fed it to her. He held the cup of horlicks right next to her so she only had to open her mouth to drink it.
Mind you, it was knee surgery, not elbow. Sure, my grandma’s old but she can feed herself…
…then he posed for a few photos of him feeding her, and in a half joking tone told me to post it on facebook.
Riiiiiight.
So my brother has external NCC training…
One of the things they teach him is that a face palm is the signal for “ambush”.
Who comes up with these signals?!
Not because of the studying. Yeah, well, that sucks too.
What I really hate is how it makes me feel and behave.
I start seeing everyone as competition in a Hunger Game-esque way. In a less severe sense. If someone else gets an A, it means one less person gets an A, and that person might be me.
Then I end up being even more isolated than before, which makes me even more miserable on top of having to mug.
Unlike the studying part of exams, which is short term, all the isolation and perceived threat from others makes me behave in a certain way all the time, and I seem so unfriendly. I hate that. I’d like to be fun to be around, you know? To be able to have a good time.
Two things:
- Bio (ugh)
- staying at home to study + irritated by Bio = numerous trips to the fridge = overeat
Weighed in at 49.5kg yesterday morning. It was a bittersweet moment for me, because
- I haven’t seen that weight since P4 (no kidding)
- It was exactly 10 kg more than what I weighed, exactly one year ago when I started
- It puts me into the underweight category, which is ironic, because I feel bloated and jiggly all the time.
Mom was concerned and threatened to speak to Mrs Low if I dropped any more weight (empty threat. My brother failed his exams, and all they did was hide the power cord to the computer).
You know how they say BMI is flawed because bulky muscular guys who are fit are “overweight”? It’s the opposite for me. I have so little muscle that weighing less than what the BMI says doesn’t really mean I’m at risk of nutritional deficiency or osteoporosis etc.
Besides, most people are underweight anyway, and I don’t see THEM dying…
I think this is it - I’m maintaining this weight.
The problem is, what if I eat more and don’t know when to stop and then gain it all back and some more?
Three questions flash through my mind most of the time when I interact with someone unfamiliar.
- What do they really mean?
- What are they trying to get out of me/What is their angle?
- What do they think of me?
Also what bugs me is that I am often intimidated by most people. Not physically, duh. But by what they’ve achieved/what they are. If it’s not how socially at ease they are, it’s academics, or sport, or PDP, or some other thing.
Always feel inferior —> always keep my mouth shut.
Which is stupid, you know. No one should be “inferior” and even then it’s not grounds for censoring opinion.
And yeah there are other reasons for being silent too. See the questions listed above.
Of what, you might ask. And to that, my answer is: the Fat Fast!
Fat Fast: period of three to five days where I eat 1000 calories, 900 of which come from fat.
Currently, the foods that are ninety percent fat are:
- Cream Cheese
- Macadamia Nuts
- Pure Oil
#1 is out because I can’t possibly carry cream cheese around all day. Guzzling pure oil is just ridiculous. So it’s five portions of 200 calories of macadamia nuts a day. Occasionally it’s a slice of bacon and half a slice of cheese.
Today I woke up nauseous, trembling, heart beating like crazy… which is exactlywhat happened the last time.
I can probably end tomorrow if I want. Or continue till Saturday at most.
In any case diet is probably the most important thing right now. Exercise is secondary. Maybe after A levels, I’ll read up a lot more on running form and possibly weightlifting to build arm/leg/thigh muscles. But seriously, gym takes time and mental energy. And eating properly is the most crucial thing.
